As Carrie Bradshaw said, "This is my attempt to reboot."
If you've been reading my last few posts, you're probably bored out of your mind and tired of my whining. As tired of it as I am of Eli's whining, and that is very tired. I'm hoping those posts are behind us, at least for now. After a lot of praying and reflection last night and today, I'm committed to having a new, more realistic attitude where Eli and his behavior are concerned. A friend I emailed at the eleventh hour last night reminded me that Eli is just two. Enough said, right? But sometimes it takes someone else telling you something for it to really sink in. Heather said it at just the right moment. At church this morning, another friend gave me a great comparison to keep in mind. (Actually, I think it was Cara's husband who said this, but since she is the one who passed the wisdom on to me, she gets the credit.) When I was telling her of my struggles with Eli continuing to repeat the same actions, even though Lehr and I clearly don't tolerate them, she said that God probably gets frustrated with us in the same way. How many times do we commit the same sin over and over, often without learning? I know I'm guilty of that. Even worse, I learn from my sins only to commit them again. Who am I to expect Eli to do any different? And yet another friend came to my rescue in the way of an email the other night. Courtney reassured me that it will take time but Eli will eventually get it. She reminded me, as have others, that most kids go through this physical anger phase, and as long as I remain calm, it will show him the right way to handle anger. I tell you what, without these friends (and some others I failed to mention), I just might have run away!
I have decided to step back and refrain from spanking for now. Since I'm still a little on the fence about it, I think it's probably best to wait until I'm 100% before moving forward with that. Eli and I had a better morning, but we were at church for a good chunk of it, so that did help. After giving the last week some more thought, Eli's behavior might be attributed to a lack of Daddy and family time. Lehr travelled for a few days this week and the other days were so busy that we only ended up having one family meal together the whole time. We are spending the whole day together today doing 'family' things, so hopefully this will help Eli to feel secure again, or at least to show him that Daddy values and respects Mommy, so he should too.
What would a post from me be without a request for more help though? Although we are trying to cut Eli some slack given his age, the new baby, yada yada yada, we are uncertain how to move forward with his behavior. I understand that he will still throw tantrums, and yell, and (yikes!) hit. Do we still hold him to the high standard and discipline him each time? I've been told by a few people to show Eli some grace, but now I'm realizing I'm not sure what that means. When I tell him 'no' and he still does what I told him not to, do I just ignore it? As usual, I'm over analyzing every thing I do in my day-to-day parenting, but Lehr has expressed the same concerns over how to handle the 'grace' part of our discipline. Any comments are welcome!
2 comments:
I think the term Grace can be overused. I definitely think we need to give our kids grace but at this age I don't think they understand grace. I think consistency is best. If no is no today it should be no tomorrow as well. Wait until they get older to introduce grace otherwise, in my humble opnion, they will get confused about when no will pop up. In the class we took this summer they would tell their 9 year old that even though they should punish him that they were this time going to give him grace. I just don't think my 2 year old would understand that. I think at this young age it adds confusion to their already confused world. I would not ignore what he is doing and continue to correct him. Even if it means 100 times a day. Eventually it will click in his mind. I like what Cara/Phillp said ... I wonder what my life would be like if God had not continually shown me and corrected me in my path.
You guys are doing an awesome job. It's a constant job though. You do good to give yourself some time. I've been walking in the evening without the boys and it helps soooo much to just get out and do something FOR me without them.
I think you are right in what you said about Eli acting out b/c Lehr was gone. Ryan and Pace BOTh act out so much when we are away and once Jeremy is back in the picture and life is 'normal' again they go back to being more themselves. We still have to correct but it's just not as much. They just don't understand when their little worlds are different. In time they will know that daddy goes away or is not home for dinner here and there but that he always comes back and that no matter what he always love mommy and them.
I think this is the longest comment I've ever left anyone :)
If you say "no" one time, and "oK" or ignore it another time on the same "issue", it may confuse him. Be consistent, but take into account the situation that is involved with the behavior. In other words, choose your battles. If it's something minor, let it go rather than causing you and him grief over it. Offer alternatives or try to correct him by offering him the correct behavior and see if he will follow it (i.e. if he sits on the table, correct with: Eli, chairs are for sitting, not tables. Please sit in the chair.) This will encourage proper behavior with gentle correction and give him the choice to do what is right. This is what I do with Emily right now, and it seems to work for the time being! - Courtney
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