Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
I've never hidden the fact that while I love the life I'm in, it is not without struggles. Mainly struggles within me: my mind and heart. I very easily can slip into a worrisome place, especially when it comes to Ruby and her future. How odd that is because when I reflect on her past, she has done nothing but beat odds and overcome obstacles. Yet I still worry that she'll run out of steam when it comes to kicking @$$ one day. (Idiot!)
All of that worry gets in the way of me experiencing joy with Ruby. The good news is, I do force myself out of the therapy and work and fear often to still *see* her and take joy in who she is. But it would be nice for that to just happen without me having to be so intentional about shutting off the main part of my current persona.
One of my main grievings is for a 'simple' toddler/babyhood for Ruby. One where I don't have to measure her or keep track of milestones like it's my job. That constant "what's next" approach steals some of the joy out of this precious, short time when she is so little.
Sounds like a recipe for disaster in my over thinking head. But God has so given me the desires of my heart. He has given me what I want most for myself as Ruby's mom: delight in Ruby without anything else attached. I know I will mess it up and it won't last, but this week, I have been able to sit back and delight.
And through it all, I honestly didn't pull out that measuring stick. I didn't feel "she's doing well for her". I didn't feel the need to qualify to myself any of the good stuff that is happening with Ruby.