Monday, October 19, 2015

Spread Too Thin

1Peter 5:7  Cast your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

Ruby is still skipping right along, unaffected by leukemia and chemo and long hospital stays. That girl is so resilient! Her hair continues to thin, but we are not yet at the point where I'm ready to shave it; some styles still hide the growing bald spots enough. Yesterday Ruby's levels were low. Her ANC was "0", to be exact. And while it was only by a slight margin, this morning's white blood cell count was up from yesterday. I know that doesn't mean it will continue to climb quickly, I am hopeful that means that we are done dropping and now are just waiting for the 'up'. If all goes as we hope, she may come home by Sunday. Round three would start next Wednesday, but she *should* only have to be in the hospital for five days as she receives her 96-hour chemo drip.
A little 'funny'; last night's nurse was one we've had more than any others throughout this process (maybe 20% of the time?) and we love her. I heard her come in at 4AM for vitals and to take blood. This is normally something Ruby sleeps through, but I heard Ruby moving around and the nurse quietly whispering to her. (I chose to stay in bed unless my intervention was necessary. It wasn't as Ruby went right back to sleep when the nurse left.) Just before bed tonight, the same nurse came in to do pre-bed meds and vitals and told me that during those 4AM vitals, Ruby kept looking at the nurse and saying "up". Nice try, baby girl...nice try.

So why the verse? No anxiety surrounding Ruby at the moment. She is great. We had school conferences for Eli and Maddux today. While they were 'big picture' fine, it was (is) obvious to me that stuff is starting to slip for them where school is concerned. There is only so much I can do from the hospital, and when Lehr gets home from work it is dinner with as much school as he can fit in the short amount of time he has for them before it's time to get ready for the next day and get to bed. The routine of daily after school homework and me really really checking up on what is due and what concept(s) need explanations has been out of play for the last eight weeks and it's starting to show in their grades and conduct.
I know they are fine, and they will be fine, but this is one more example of me wanting to have my hand on everything and stressing out when I can't. And because it's never just one thing, I worry what other ways these hospital stays are affecting them... Is there resentment? Anger? Sadness? We talk about it with the kids, but they're not sharing those emotions with us. (Which can easily take me down another rabbit hole of if I'm losing even more closeness with my kids to the point that they're opening up to me even less.)

I can't fix this now....I probably can't fix it ever. So instead of getting crazy with homework charts tomorrow after school, like I really want to do, I'm having my mom come to the hospital to be with Ruby so I can spend a few hours with Eli and Maddux when they get off of the bus.

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