Heartbreaking

That's my word of the day.

Heartbreaking.

Parenting can be heartbreaking for so many reasons. Right now it's heartbreaking for me because I think of how much attention I gave Eli in those first few months and I see how little one-on-one Maddux gets from me in comparison.

Heartbreaking.

We are trying to really work on Eli's heart with our discipline and I see some of his 'bad habits' getting worse, resulting in more of our time together being spent on these issues. Holding my child(ren) to a high standard requires a lot of time-outs/etc. up front, even though they are too young to understand the reason behind it most of the time.

Heartbreaking.

I know that Eli needs more reassurance that he is still so loved by Mommy and Daddy on days when Maddux is extra fussy. The kicker is, on those days I'm really not giving Maddux 100% either because I'm trying to be there for Eli, resulting in both feeling shortchanged.

Heartbreaking.

Days like today make parenting two children so hard because one needed me for basic needs which must be timed just so (Maddux) and the other (Eli) needed me for some QT and couldn't understand why I couldn't just make Maddux stop crying sometimes.

Heartbreaking.

Eli spent a good part of today in time-out because his temper tantrums have started to escalate in a way that finds him yelling and running around the room turning over toys and furniture. I'm sure the tantrums were because we weren't spending fun time together, but because he acted out, I had to isolate him, denying him even more mommy-time.

Heartbreaking!

Maddux cried from 5-8pm tonight which means my dinner with Eli, our playtime, his bath time, and his bedtime/storytime all had the background noise of his sister's wails. (And they are very loud, shrill wails.) This meant that when I put him in his crib at 7:45 and rushed to Maddux's room to feed her, I heard Eli sobbing (which he never does at bedtime) the whole time I was nursing.

HEARTBREAKING.

Of course I felt so guilty that I then did something I never do. After I fed Maddux and put her down, I went back into his room and found him sitting up in his crib with the most pitiful lower-lip pout ever. I kept the lights off and picked him up to rock him for a little bit. I reassured him that Mommy loved him and I know it's hard when the baby cries. I tried to tell him that's why he needs to obey Mommy when she tells him to do something so that we can spend more time playing and less time in time-out. He and I had a good ten minutes of rocking, hugging, and talking, but when I put him back in his crib he got all weepy again. He didn't even stand up because he knew he couldn't get me to stay, but he did hold onto my hand while his eyes filled with tears.

Heartbreaking.

As much as I love Maddux and as strong as I am in my decision to nurse her, there have been moments in the last week when I wish I could just pass her off to someone else for a whole day so Eli and I could have lots of QT without any interruptions.

(The fact that I just said I want to 'pass off' my kid is heartbreaking to me.)

Even though Maddux doesn't get the same attention Eli got as a newborn, I do get one-on-one with her for at least three feedings of the day, sometimes more (depending on how long Eli naps). Eli doesn't get a whole lot of that these days, which I know is totally confusing to him. My fear is that he will take that frustration and anger out on his sister since, in his eyes, she is the reason Mommy spends less time focused on him.

Heartbreaking.