Son, You Don't Have To Fight To Be A Man

Warning up front: this blog will get long and rambling. Mainly because I'm typing without too much forethought.

Raising kids, specifically boys, requires you to deal with the issue of fighting or bullying at some point or another. Maybe because someone picked on your kid or because your child did the picking. Regardless of the driver for the conversation, there will be a conversation sometime while they are under your roof. Whether it's a "Suck it up and walk away." talk, a "Stand up for yourself." talk, or a more in-depth combo of the two is where the confusion starts for me. My hope, like most parents, is to have a very open flow of conversation with my children. I want them to not only feel comfortable talking with me about issues that come up in their away-from-home lives, but also to want my opinion on how to handle those issues. Wow...see how quickly I digress?!?!

In the past few weeks I've been able to observe Eli in several different situations involving other children without much parental supervision. A few times at the park I've seen him be blocked off from access to certain areas of playground equipment by children a little older than him. I stayed out of it completely because there was no threat of harm. Mainly I was curious to see how Eli would handle himself. Most of the time he was visibly frustrated, but he has yet to resort to hitting, screaming at, or biting the kids. (Sigh of relief) I've also seen him climb on equipment at gym class or at the park only to have another child also assert him or herself on the apparatus as a challenge. With the exception of a short-lived temper tantrum involving feet stamping and "NOOOO", Eli chooses the non-confrontational route of holding his ground until it becomes apparent he'd have to get physical to maintain sole custody of whatever object is in question. This has pleased me as I very much do not want Eli to allow people to walk all over him, but just as much I do not want him to pick a fist fight at the first sign of a conflict.

The latest scenario I've witnessed involved a child appearing to be about a year older than Eli purposely pushing and 'throwing' Eli just for the sake of doing it. This child did not appear to be mean-spirited, but in the few occasions I've seen, Eli didn't do anything to instigate this very physical pummeling. My boy stood back up each time he was pushed to the ground, but he never retaliated. He also never came to me for comfort until I showed my face (mainly to stop what was happening, as it appeared to be escalating quickly).

Although it pained me to see Eli pushed and tackled, it didn't hit me too hard until later. My mind would not stop playing the image of Eli's confused and hurt face as the other child pushed him repeatedly. This led my thoughts to the topic at hand: fighting vs. standing up for yourself. Eli seems to have that balance at the moment, but what about when the encounters become more intense? What about when he has to fight back? How do we help him figure out the difference between fighting and self-defense? I'm pretty pacifist in nature, but I am very aware that there are times when just walking away isn't an option. In those times I want my kids to have the skills and discretion to be able to ward off their attacker(s). Lehr, the ever-wise husband and father that he is, reminded me why I decided to parent with him when I asked for his feedback. (For once, I am not being sarcastic; I sincerely mean the previous sentence.) He said it was very important for us to teach Eli to never throw the first punch and to not use excessive force. With that simple conversation he set my mind at ease. Not because he had the one-and-only answer to my problem, but because I realized that we are once again on the same page about this, and it's not my problem, but ours. Weight temporarily lifted....

If anyone has any words of wisdom on the subject at hand, how to help your kids be peaceful without becoming "mama's boys", do tell....