Thinking Back

I've been thinking a lot lately about when Ruby was born. The labor, the delivery, the hours after, and then the after-after.  So many emotions, so many frozen moments, so many realizations. One thing I keep coming back to, again and again, is our reaction. I don't have any regrets or bad feelings about our reaction, as I know our initial disbelief and grief is to be expected,  But I have been analyzing (or over-analyzing, as Lehr would say) it lately.

The more I think about it, I have come to realize that our reaction had everything to do with us and nothing to do with Ruby. I think this is something that would be true for any parent receiving unexpected news about their child. Even those that expect a boy and get a girl, or vice versa. The news is not necessarily bad, but when it goes against our expectations, we feel confused. As if we were somehow in control of the outcome.

To me it seems as though my expectation of what Ruby would or wouldn't be was a way of me saying "this is what my family should look like". I imagine God looking at me and shaking his head as He chuckles. Not In a spiteful way, as if to "show me " with His ultimate plan. Rather, in a loving way. Just as a parent would shake their head and chuckle when their child piled a plate full of cookies for dinner. That's the thing about God. Sometimes we may think He isn't giving us what we want. But what we, what I, need to remember is that He always gives us what we need. My family needed Ruby. I needed Ruby. I'm so glad He gave me what I needed!