Wednesday, April 20, 2016


Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Psalm 37:4

I've never hidden the fact that while I love the life I'm in, it is not without struggles. Mainly struggles within me: my mind and heart. I very easily can slip into a worrisome place, especially when it comes to Ruby and her future. How odd that is because when I reflect on her past, she has done nothing but beat odds and overcome obstacles. Yet I still worry that she'll run out of steam when it comes to kicking @$$ one day. (Idiot!)

All of that worry gets in the way of me experiencing joy with Ruby. The good news is, I do force myself out of the therapy and work and fear often to still *see* her and take joy in who she is. But it would be nice for that to just happen without me having to be so intentional about shutting off the main part of my current persona.

One of my main grievings is for a 'simple' toddler/babyhood for Ruby. One where I don't have to measure her or keep track of milestones like it's my job. That constant "what's next" approach steals some of the joy out of this precious, short time when she is so little.
So I find myself in the middle of a week that should have me very stressed out. A week that includes typical therapies, a parent-teacher conference for Ruby (where lack of achievement is up for discussion), a whole morning of subbing in Ruby's class (and likely seeing the gap between her and other kids), and a County Services evaluation where they work with Ruby for a few hours to see how much (not "if") she needs help in going forward.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster in my over thinking head. But God has so given me the desires of my heart. He has given me what I want most for myself as Ruby's mom: delight in Ruby without anything else attached. I know I will mess it up and it won't last, but this week, I have been able to sit back and delight.
We still have one of the things on our to-do list ahead of us, but so far this week, I have been covered with a pleasant calm during conferences and therapies and evaluations. I've seen her sitting quietly and patiently through most of the conference in her classroom. I've heard her teachers list the many ways she is working at the same level as other kids in the class. I've heard therapists and developmentalists squeal with delight over Ruby and her willingness to do what they ask during her evaluation. I hear her chatter non-stop while they work with her, her sweet voice such a great background noise to my simultaneous interview with another therapist.

And through it all, I honestly didn't pull out that measuring stick. I didn't feel "she's doing well for her". I didn't feel the need to qualify to myself any of the good stuff that is happening with Ruby.
So when I think about the verse above, I think it means that if we delight in God, we can delight in what He's given us, and we can find peace and fulfillment. In a week that could have provided anything but, I am finding much peace.

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