since the kids were little, we've had dating and marriage conversations from time to time. from an early age we threw out the age of 17 as a good age to be when dating would be an option. (when she was younger, maddux would correctly tell you why: 'because dating is for getting ready for marry-ing, and you can't marry until you're 18.')
as eli and maddux approached middle school, we made those conversations a little more frequent, at least with maddux. (eli seems to be skirting the whole 'girls are cool' scene for now.) she didn't show much of an interest in chasing boys , but we know these things sneak up on you.
this first middle school year found a few of her friends diving head first into 'romantic' relationships. talks of dating and 'liking' boys came up in her circle. we continued to pour 'wait' counsel into her, reminding her that the opportunity to learn from watching her peers would be valuable in the long run, and that shifting her great male friendships into 'something more' often complicates things at this age.
we were chugging along fine until this month. i don't remember how exactly what triggered it, but i knew to ask a few intentional questions today. without much probing, maddux divulged that a (boy) friend of hers had asked her to be his valentine. he did so in a note, but they talked when she gave him her answer. i asked her what that meant and i think we landed on that meaning they were boyfriend and girlfriend. she cautiously walked through the sequence of events with me, likely waiting for me to disapprove. thankfully God was reminding me the whole time to use this opportunity to build trust and bonding...i think i might have not messed it up this time!
the first thing i did was celebrate with my girl, who was obviously excited. i also told her how happy i was that the way the boy asked her and the follow up conversation was so appropriate and intentional. (he asked her himself, in a very sweet note and then they talked in person, rather than being asked through a friend or in a text message.) she even showed me the note at this point (which was proof to me that i was on the right track).
somewhere in there she did tell me she thought i'd be mad because she's not 17 yet. i reminded her that while she and this boy have decided to label their relationship something different than it was prior, they were not 'dating'. (and then i asked her to tell me what dating is: the boy picking you up in a car and paying for your joint activity, AFTER he comes to the house and meets your family.) then i went on to tell her that while her dad and i can obviously influence what she's allowed to do, no one can control her feelings. so her 'liking' someone is a very natural thing and something that she will have to decide how to respond to when it happens. and of course i threw in there that i hope she'll come to me to talk about relationships, like she did this time.
she was so receptive to me, and so sharing with her experience and joy... it was unlike any other conversation we've had surrounding such a big issue or milestone. i was (AM!) so grateful that i was able to keep things in perspective and recognize the opportunity to connect with maddux. (thank you, God!) this is likely a life event she'll always remember, and it feels like she will remember my reaction to it in a good way. you would think this reminder to slow down and really listen to my kids would keep me from pushing them away with my parental 'guidance' in the future...but i'm sure i'll return to my usual ways the next go-round. in the meantime, i'm basking in the awesomeness of today.
