Another Year, Another Swim Season

This year was pretty uneventful for Eli and Maddux regarding swim team. They both still love it, but with each of them missing two meets and being on the young end of their respective groups, no records were set and no pressure was felt.

Eli's age group was the biggest change, that I could see. He was with the 11-12 group, but boys in that group are hitting some growth spurts which made height a real factor in the races! Eli is a pretty speedy swimmer, but he did not fare as well this season as the boys' body lengths were so different from his. He took it all in stride though and enjoyed himself.

Ruby LOVES the pool and she had a blast attending a few of the meets. She cheered on everyone, seriously everyone. And when someone she knew was swimming, she gave them personal cheers too.

Struggle

Let's be clear. This is not about Ruby. She is amazing. She is a blessing. She is an absolute bright spot. It's me who is not...this is about me and my flaws.

The word of the day is struggle. Sun up to sun down.

Unfortunately that has been my world as of late...the last few weeks, for sure. I am constantly uptight, anxious, out of patience and even angry. Most days I'm amazed that Lehr comes home after work.

I struggle every time I'm reminded of a milestone that Maddux or Eli hit when they were exactly Ruby's age. Especially when Ruby is not only not there, but oh so far from it. I struggle every time we take a step backwards into the black hole of regression. Especially when it's on a skill like potty training that we've been working on for a solid year. I struggle each and every time I come face to face with her delays, which happens pretty much every time I see a child her age or younger completing a task with ease that she struggles with. Like voicing a need or observation with enough articulation that people other than me can understand. Like going anywhere in public without the constant worry that we might have a bathroom accident. Like walking through a parking lot (or store, or park) without having to be picked up and carried. Like playing in the yard with other kids without me having to hover every second because of the constant threat of her running into the street or the creek.

I can't even form the words most days to explain how much I let this stuff get to me. The cocktail of guilt, fear, self-pity and grief is strong. Guilt over what I have done wrong or not done right to help her in any given area. Guilt over having feelings of frustration and even anger that it's not working. Fear that we won't get past this. Self-pity over all the work we've put in without results. Grief that has come to visit way more often than I would like ever since Ruby was born. And then the guilt again because, good gravy...why am I still mourning the child who would follow the same trajectory Maddux and Eli did in their younger lives. Why do I still stack up what our daily life is to what it 'could have been'. What a sick and dangerous comparison game...

This is nothing new...it never is. Because I can't seem to get outside of myself, I am always walking a path that has two sides. I have to chose to actively face the bright side, full of possibilities and hope and joy instead of falling into the dark shadows serving that strong cocktail. Sometimes I just don't have the emotional energy to put on the happy face.

Woodlands

Last year, Maddux and Eli attended a new overnight camp that they both loved: Woodlands. The age breakdown worked so that they could attend the same 'week' (4-nights), and even though they obviously bunked in separate parts of the camp, they had many activities together. They both looked forward to this summer's session again.

Unfortunately, Woodlands is a very popular camp and despite my attempts to sign them up the minute registration opened several months ago, they were both placed on the wait-list.

Last week I called the camp to see where Maddux was on the wait-list. No reason to get our hopes up if she was far down it. However, she was #3! That sounded like good news except for the fact that we were less than one week away from the start of camp. I talked to Maddux about the reality of her getting in, but she was very sure she would get in.

Monday morning came and went without a call. With camp arrival slotted for 3-5, not receiving a call by noon meant a no-go, in my mind. I did my best to keep Maddux busy and distracted all afternoon, but she kept asking me if the camp had called. Even when I told her it was too late for them to call, she still held some hope. My girl found a corner to quietly cry in several times that day, not making a big deal about it in front of her family. This absolutely broke my heart, so of course we took her out to her favorite dinner and even had fro-yo afterwards.

As the girls took their bath before bed, I had an email that I needed to send out ASAP. Thank goodness I was working on the computer at that time because a 7:41PM email came in alerting us to TWO open spots at the camp: first responders got it. I emailed back immediately saying Maddux would be there before 10PM.

We threw clothes and bedding in a bag and Lehr and Maddux pulled out of the garage by 8:15. She was beside herself excited! And for good reason, arriving at bedtime assured that she would be there to start the real fun the next morning and for the following 3 1/2 days. She swam, ran, danced, outdoor gamed, sang, zip lined and cheered her way through that camp. She made lots of friends and has many fun memories.

I am so glad she got to go. Her arrival was so telling of who she was: Lehr asked her as they pulled in if she was nervous about walking into a room without knowing anyone. "Nope!" And Lehr said she sauntered right in and said "Hi, everyone!!" before making her bad and climbing in for the night. That girl...I wish I had her confidence!

VBX-Box

Another great year of VBX! (VBX is our church's VBS. Instead of a daytime Vacation Bible School, our church has held our camp at night; this allows fathers/men to be involved as a way of ministering to the kids attending the camp, and it allows the kids we are trying to reach to get there, as many are in homes alone during the day while parents are at work. We call it VBX because of the X-factor we incorporate each year.)

This was Eli's second year serving: instead of being involved in musical motions and outdoor games, this year he was in the worship band (drums) and assisting group guides for Kindergartners. He had an absolute blast with the music, as you could imagine. He worked with the band for the last few months, learning the songs and perfecting his part in it. The group of kids he played with was all older than him, as usual, which he loved!

This was Maddux's last year as a camper. She had a great time in her group with a close friend from church and a good friend from our neighborhood. We had several talks about her paying attention to what types of jobs she would like to do next year when she is serving for the first time.

Ruby loved her preschool VBX. She did give the teachers there a run for their money a few times. She locked herself in the bathroom (an easy fix because they unlocked it from their side) and pulled a bookshelf down in an attempt to retrieve something from the top (of course she found the ONE bookshelf that wasn't bolted to the wall). When she wasn't aiding the church in troubleshooting their kids' area, she was busy dancing, singing, coloring, rehearsing with the band, and jumping in the inflatables.

Ruby is 4!

And she knows it! We started working with her a few weeks ago to see if she could say 'four' and use her fingers to show it, anticipating the transition from answering '3' to '4' might take some time. Nope! This girl never once answered incorrectly :)

As is typical for our house these days, we were not able to pull off a full-on birthday party for Ruby, but we did invite some friends from the neighborhood over to enjoy a birthday ice cream cone. (You know how Ruby loves ice cream!) She had a great time playing and eating with her friends. 

As a family we celebrated with a special breakfast and water table play that morning. The big kids had a swim meet that night, so we took advantage of that to put a candle in her pancake breakfast.